Unlocking my hair

"The best is like water.
Water is good; it benefits all things and does not compete with them.
It dwells in lowly places that all disdain.
This is why it is so near to Tao."

Lao Tzu

1.
i think of my new lover and wonder, when will he call me?

in the play of our bodies i can give expression

to my desire and rage

and man like forever, like the inevitability of time

moves inside me

and makes my river run

wild horses in my hair

and serpent becomes my tongue

astride you, i ride you

teeth bite and fingernails scratch and grab fistfulls of uncombed hair
that pulls my scalp and makes my eyes roll back in my head

i bring your fingers to the mouth of my body and then to my tongue to taste myself
i look at you as the sharp taste stings my tongue,

unshriven, unshowered

moist sweat smelling like damp earth
under the overturned rock of my naked self

water always finds a way

because it is unproud and willing to go to the lowly places

i moan,

and through the oscillating window panes of my eyes i am exposed
for a flickering second

before i put up my guard again


"Sometimes a piece of sun
burned like a coin in my hand.

I remembered you with my soul clenched
in that sadness of mine that you know.

Where were you then?
Who else was there?
Saying what?
Why will the whole of love come on me suddenly
when I am sad and feel you are far away?" -neruda

2.
i unlock my hair
i have not combed it for 5 days
i wanted to keep the smell of fuck in it

this morning,
i release all the secrets of the tangles, the conversations, the intimacy
it was turning into a dreaded nest from rolling in the hay
and i kept the heat from our sex locked in my hair
which was beginning to look like medusa
but now
it have combed the locks out
no more wild horse hair running wild in my own romantic imagination
(you did not ask me to spend the night again)
no more serpent tongue and smoke of lust coming out of my eyes

it was a good dance, a good spar
you said you really know someone once you've fought them
or fucked them
or danced with them
ookie (opponent) 1 bows to ookie (opponent) 2

round 1 is complete

i board my plane tonight
begin again

"if i speak in the tongues of men and angels, but i have not love, i have nothing.
if i have the gift of prophecy and can understand all mysteries, but i have not love, i am nothing.
if i give everything i own to the poor and surrender my body to the flames of the martyrs, but i have not love, i gain nothing.

when i was a girl, i spoke as girl. now that i am a woman, i try to speak as a woman and put girlish things behind me. for now, when i look at you i can only see a poor reflection of myself because i am blinded by my own fears, someday we shall see face to face." 1 corinthians 13

3.
(letter to a lover)
so i bring the burning, is it?
well why not since my name itself means a song to god
wailed to the heavens with all the passions and emotions of the human soul

something like joy and beauty must wash over this great emptiness
like a wind sweeping the abalone prairie
stretched open like a mouth waiting to be met by heavens kiss
these vast expansive solitary landscapes inside my self

is it my soul that is calling?
is it my heart that is longing?
who is the one standing and weeping at the wall of my innermost being
for sadness and joy
for the taste of bitter and sweet
the holy books are burning
like the serpent burns in my spine
the holy books are us
learning to love the questions more than the answers

a long time ago
i gave you some piece of myself
and i picture you holding it now
like a knight
like a protector
there is a piece of me that is always safe with you
i know you have seen my sadness
i know you love me still
i know you have seen my great aching
i know you see my wholeness still

what a world
to stay open in the heart
through disappointment, heartache
broken expectations
and to stay in the heart anyways

what else are we going to do with our time here in these bodies?
that seemed magnetized and repelled from each other at the same time
when we seem to be each others medicine and poison at the same time

ah
life

thank you for this
it is nice to have the difficult memories give way to pleasant times

to see the thread that runs through
that coming from so much brokeness in my own family, there is a way to pick up the most important thing, the connection and to have that be sustaining
isn't that the faith?
that it is all to some higher good and purpose?
that we ourselves are in fact, good
and capable of loving
even with all our woundings, defects and sillinesses?

our continued connection gives me faith, hope and love
and the greatest of these is love