adventures of a fearless (mostly) globe trotting seeker...
wondering, wandering, barefoot, nomadess

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

viking heaven

tuesday, may 1
topanga canyon, california

can a dog go to valhalla, the viking heaven?

its 3pm, i have 2 hours and 50 minutes with my companion left
dogs love unconditionally
is it possible that this is our last cuddle?
the last time i cry and he is with me to lick my tears?
but this time i am crying to let him go

we both know it is time
we have cheated death for 2 months since the vet found the tumor that is growing so aggressively in his right shoulder. the tumor makes joey lame so he propels his body around by jumping like a bunny rabbit, but he has been in a lot of pain. this morning even the morphine didn't ease his pain and so his pain out weighs his joy and it is time to let go
i call the vet and make an appointment for 5:40pm 
strange to make an appointment with death

we've had a good run
the road trips and the hikes and the nights we have slept together
i am not putting my dog down i tell myself
i am putting him "up"
i held him in my lap and wept at his death and my grief
"i just want him to be ok" i cried
and then his pain subsided, he stopped crying and relaxed in my arms to sleep
i realized that he is going back to the Mother
to lay in her lap
from the great womb where we are all born and consumed in death to be re-birthed in countless forms

people comfort me, they say, "he is going to a better place"
well this was a pretty good place
i watched him sniff the air a few days ago as he stood outside
no more sniffing the air
it's the little things
my friends mom who was passing from cancer told her
"i haven't eaten enough ice cream, i haven't watched enough sunsets"
i wonder, has joey chased enough squirrels?
i feed him raw steak and cheese, he should die like a king

i curl around his warm body for one of the last times
i will drive him to the vet, to the appointment for the time of his passing
i got him when he was 3 months old at the pound
i didn't ask permission from my room mates and i didn't really have the money to take care of him and my young son
but i needed his love
to make up for all the love i was missing


i have to stay strong for him now, who has been strong for me
strong enough to know when to let go...

Valhalla Viking prayer
Lo, there do I see my Father..
Lo, there do I see my Mother
And my Sisters and my Brothers..
Lo, there do I see the line
Of my people back to the beginning..
Thay do bid me to take my place among them..
In the Halls of Valhalla,
Where the Brave may live forever.

travel well, little brother, unconditional companion, i will miss walking with you on the earth
may the valkyries, the fierce angels, escort you to heaven
may your spirit be free