adventures of a fearless (mostly) globe trotting seeker...
wondering, wandering, barefoot, nomadess

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Beyond the beyond

Sunday, Oct 24
Philadelphia, Pa

oh my lord, oh my soul
how long have i been thirsty in the desert of this world
thirsty for the taste of you?

oh my love
i have gone beyond
i have gone beyond the beyond
for you

i see the others praying in the temple
wearing white,
they cover their heads to pray
but have they known your secret kiss?

when i was a child you knew my most inner places
and showed me your most secret name
beyond the beyond
i have travelled
in my love for you

and now i stand outside the temple
eyes rimmed in black
lips rimmed in red
i look sideways at the pious worshippers
and go mad in the streets like a dog
hungry for you

Friday, October 22, 2010

The desert only knows longing

saturday, october 16
santa monica, ca

portal log
i ate the magic plant and fell down the rabbit hole. i said a prayer, mother of this medicine, make my heart pure. make my journey in the spirit world and the world life be in a good way. this is my prayer.

the room was dark and we all laid in the bed, a tangle of our limbs heavy with the honey of the majikal mushroom medicine. the skin like soft velvet delighting in touch for the sake of pleasure again. feeling the sensation like a drop of water on the thirsty skin of the desert. the desert only knows longing. it is how it attracts the rain. it's hot, immediate longing has forgotten all the pain of the past and cries out now in voice of timeless yearning to be caressed as if there was no tomorrow and no yesterday.

i drifted in and out of a space of darkness like deep waters of inky stillness, i was not afraid, it felt like returning home to beginningless time.
the oracle said through me: "play, but first you have to die...then all the light comes"
first you must die...
journey back to the womb, which is dark, to the underworld, which is dark
if you are afraid to die, how can you be reborn? isn't that what jesus taught? not to fear death because resurrection is coming?

all of this sensation, pleasure and love are always here, so much energy that it is terrifying.
we walk the earth lonely as if there was not enough, when in truth, there is so much it threatens to erase our known existence.

the first time i went to india, my teacher asked me why i had come. the ashram is in the southern jungles and very few white people come there. i told him my life story that brought me to his feet now. my sadness, pain and regret. my years of stumbling through dark and dangerous alleys looking for some personal truth of god. like the woman who fell to the ground and touched the hem of jesus' cloak, i had wandered years lost and longing for the touch of god's presence. i told him of drugs i had used to escape pain and feel ecstasy. after i poured my heart out, he asked, "when you did drugs, what did you see?"i marvelled at his question. i had felt ashamed of the drugs as a weakness.
i looked at him confused and said, "it doesn't matter what i saw on the drugs, because it doesn't last, right"
he shrugged and looked away. "none of it lasts", he said.

jesus said, "let she who seeks keep seeking until she finds. when she finds she will be amazed and astonished. then she will be terrified. then she will rule over all."
i didn't used to understand this mystikal saying, until later that day after my teacher asked me what the drugs had shown me.

i sat on a hilltop in india. in front of the jungle temple of the god shiva's lingam (male sex organ). and i was made so that i could not stand and had to crawl on my hands and knees on the steps to reach the top. all my strength was drained from my body and my mind had thoughts which moved very slow. i was told to sit down on the earth, which i did. then i was told to lay on my belly, which i did. i felt the earth soften to swallow me and i travelled to the center of the earth's belly. time disappeared, and i do not remember anything, just being suspended like in the fluid of a pregnant belly, like a floating unborn baby. after time had passed, i became aware again, and sat up. i felt thick, like an insect in the sap of a tree, suspended like a fossil in amber.

i sat up and looked at the jungle around me. the hills around were shaped like a woman's curves. mounds of breasts and hips were the body of the land. i looked around and a strange awareness filled me. i made all this. i made all the earth. and there was no time, no beginning and no end. i sat for awhile, i don't know how long. an old man with tanned wrinkles skin like stained tobacco came walking up the hill steps to the temple. he carried the ritual items to worship the statue of the lingam (male sex organ). flowers, milk, incense. i thought it was sad he was going to worship the statue, to call god's energy into the stone. he could just come sit with me. i am god. and then i thought he could not see that, so he felt separate and lonely and had to worship the statue. my mind thought, "how sad". but then my mind realized it was not sad, it was just a choice we all have in how we see things. and in the end, it was all the same.

after more time passed a part of my mind woke up. it said, psalm, you must remember to go back to america. but that felt so far away. the same part of my mind said, you are a wife and mother, you must go back. and suddenly i felt afraid that my love was spread everywhere and nowhere in particular. maybe i would stay on this mountain forever.
let she who seeks keep seeking until she finds. when she finds, she will me amazed and astonished. then she will be terrified.

my mind said i must go down from the mountain and back to america. i must go eat some food.

i ate and drank some spicy chai and felt i was psalm again. but my mind was filled with songs of praise and joy, a happy simplicity. i sat next to my teacher and sang the christian songs i learned as a girl in church.

my teacher said, "are you usually this still?"

i said, "no"

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Rage and transformation

sunday, october 10
topanga canyon, ca

in the core training i am teaching now, we started by posing the question, "what are the blockages to feeling our power?". this training has turned out to be all women, and it was very interesting that in the first week with all the strong breathwork, what came up was a lot of heat, anger and rage. emotions that are transformational and powerful but often repressed. psychologically, rage is said to be a feminine emotion.

we met one morning outside by the beach and saw a full moon that was still full in the pre-dawn sky, the moon with it's big and yellow face hanging like a giant gong in the pale morning gray-blue. we stopped to take in the moon in our eyes, to drink the lunar nectar and do lunar breathing to activate the right brain and lunar channel of the subtle spine.

we stood in a circle facing each other and held strong stances for long periods of time until the bodies trembled and bones shook and the damn broke with cathartic release.

one of the sisters said "this makes me feel angry"
with tears in her eyes
standing in the circle i am reflected those tears are mine too, that anger mine too
yes, we must open the emotions that have been repressed
they are just life in flow being expressed
would you ask a volcano not to exist?
the red hot lava is part of the cycle of life
at the time of explosion it destroys things
but the lava cools and the volcanic soil is more fertile than before
the elements ask to move through us and so often we try to ignore the invitation
we try to control the big life trying to move through us
and then these elements, ancestors, spirits and archetypes get impatient and knock harder
maybe they will have to knock your house down to get your attention
without destruction, how can there be renewal?
without death, how can there be rebirth?
we live forever in the wheel of creation
the play of the creatrix

thank you sisters for diving so deep so quickly
soul mining
heart shining

human feeling
we are yes
gods and humans
we are walking where angels fear to tread
feeling the cold dew on morning grass
beneath our stomp stomp elephant feet
earth will feel me
sky will hear me
as i stomp stomp
dance and roar
sisters show me more
of your sweet insides
in our container there is room for your light and shadow
i embrace you all
i embrace all of you and me
this is the mother loving

there are enough religions of what happens when we die
after this life
give me the religion of how to be here now
in this body of bliss and pain
in this heart of love and loss
give me the religion of not running away
to a heaven that may exist someday
heaven and hell are happening now
give me the religion of this body, this breath, this emotional dream playing me like a song
sometimes a love song and sometimes a blues song
i welcome all the songs
all songs are one
and someday when we die
we will be one again too
for now give me the religion of how to weave between
one and two
the mother and the father

The untrimmed garden of my heart

silently in the trembling corridors of my body i cry
do not forget me, i will not be forgotten
i will spread my wild thick dark tendrils
curling as my most enfolded electric hair
spread of ample thighs and ass slide inside your most secret places
until you cannot tell
your heart beating this fickle human blood from mine
like rich red blood of velvet wine
and white pearls of teeth clinking edges of crystal glasses
like a pauper at the banquet, my pockets are empty of social graces
i left the pack of wild wolves who raised me back at home
from the tender age of 17 i fell off the edge of my high school diploma
and made a more comfortable pillow sleeping with tattered alcoholic angels
on the runaway streets of amnesiac suburban towns

and of all the ways love is forbidden
and of all the secret things that grow wild
in the untrimmed garden of my heart
most of all
is this forbidden love from my family
and god you alone know how many days
have i cried for rain on my piece of inherited earth?
i have rent my clothing to lay down weeping
bringing rain from eyes not clouds to humbly feed the thirsty darkness
and i stand before the masses to proclaim like a feverish prophet,
friends, all that has been unfairly called darkness i call infinity,
the mystery
the misunderstood depths calling to be embraced from the void
the fig-mouthed fecund womb of forever disappearing into the night
and i offer what is left of this smoldering naked body to be smothered
in the insatiable mouth of mother earth
after destruction, all that is left is the eager seed of desire to create again

and in all the ways love is our most confusing and forbidden god
and of all the secret things that grow wild
in the untrimmed garden of my heart
i hold a place for you here family
father, mother
as i always have
whether stumbling blindly down sorrowful alleys
thirsty for the slake of drink
to quench the thirst of my spirit in the desert we call human relations
i hold a place for you like sad eyed pilgrims
carrying candle torches in midnight vigils for lost children
i carry an image of you burned in my breastplate
before i was old enough to understand
the road of battle and tatters of shambling, beautific, berry-stained love
down alleys with mouth full of powdered bones
and erotic breath of the magic seed,
caught on red tongue before spilled to dark pavement

i have cried out for you
for the recasting of the spells
the sorrow, the ache, the longing
the burning and tossing in sweat soaked sheets
alone and with lovers i have wrestled my angels
and questioned the gods of my people
and risked punishment, impurity and condemnation for truth
that flaming sword
the mend the seal that has been broken
to bring contentment and life and love everlasting into all our hearts

selah (amen)