Circling my father

reading jack kerouac on the road...

the lovers, the burners

all ended so tragically

you know that search for TRUTH, FREEDOM

they were courage teachers

and now this new age bullshit movement is so hermetically safe and sealed

no tragedy please

is there something in between?

does it matter?

my father was a burner

he was an elder in our church commune

he molested many of the girls

wonder if he just lost touch?

these are the questions i am circling with my book

the ache in my gut

he grew up a good new york jew

2 parents, 2 kids, a boy and a girl

squaresville, eastern european immigrants 

escaping pogroms and witch burning to be good factory americans

my zadi, grandfather, would smoke cigars and play poker

he didn't earn much working at a sewing factory in the city, but by god he could play some poker

and from the winnings they had the first tv on the block

a bunch of greasy faced teenagers crowding around with my pops to watch the ed sullivan show in the jewish bronx

i imagine him just turning on to the 1960's and freaking out one day

fuck the immagrant american dreams

there's a whole world of magic out there boy

naked girls and love festivals and rainbow colored drugs

he made his way to hawaii and meditated on the beach, believing that they were "tuning in" to other people meditating around the world

and he ate fruit that fell from the trees and he said the cockaroaches were as big as cats

and it all sounded super far out hearing him tell his yarns sitting on his lap 

as i grew up on the christian commune that he joined after all that freaking out

left him empty

so, here's a riddle:

what happens when you take a bunch of hippies who have been experimenting

with the far side, with sex, drugs and freedom,

and then give them good old time religion with a bunch of rules

speaking in tongues and being washed in the blood of the lamb

it's still counter culture cuz we were far from mainstream

i grew up milking goats and wearing a bonnet for chissakes (literally, for christ's sake)

what happens then?

in my case...

beauty, trance, ecstasy, magikal way of looking at life

shattered when it all broke down

due to my fathers indiscretions

and so my mind grew to believe there was a perfect life before, and a broken one after

good and evil

fall from grace

i carry the sins of my father for 7 generations

blood of my blood

flesh of my flesh

seed of my seed

father, i circle the world trying to understand you.

why did you do it?

what were you thinking?

and now you hide away, you won't even tell your own daughter where you live

because you are afraid they will come after you

you protect yourself before me

if you have remorse, you keep it to yourself

and send me mysterious emails about being proud of the life i have made for myself and being proud of me and so on

and i say fuck you

and i love you

and i ache and burn and twist for you

and me

and the whole world of mere angelic demonic mortals like us

you will not witness me father, but i will be witnessed

by the whole world

i am whirling

i am whirling

for the thousand fold suns that will light up our faces when we meet again on the spirit plane