reading jack kerouac on the road...
the lovers, the burners
all ended so tragically
you know that search for TRUTH, FREEDOM
they were courage teachers
and now this new age bullshit movement is so hermetically safe and sealed
no tragedy please
is there something in between?
does it matter?
my father was a burner
he was an elder in our church commune
he molested many of the girls
wonder if he just lost touch?
these are the questions i am circling with my book
the ache in my gut
he grew up a good new york jew
2 parents, 2 kids, a boy and a girl
squaresville, eastern european immigrants
escaping pogroms and witch burning to be good factory americans
my zadi, grandfather, would smoke cigars and play poker
he didn't earn much working at a sewing factory in the city, but by god he could play some poker
and from the winnings they had the first tv on the block
a bunch of greasy faced teenagers crowding around with my pops to watch the ed sullivan show in the jewish bronx
i imagine him just turning on to the 1960's and freaking out one day
fuck the immagrant american dreams
there's a whole world of magic out there boy
naked girls and love festivals and rainbow colored drugs
he made his way to hawaii and meditated on the beach, believing that they were "tuning in" to other people meditating around the world
and he ate fruit that fell from the trees and he said the cockaroaches were as big as cats
and it all sounded super far out hearing him tell his yarns sitting on his lap
as i grew up on the christian commune that he joined after all that freaking out
left him empty
so, here's a riddle:
what happens when you take a bunch of hippies who have been experimenting
with the far side, with sex, drugs and freedom,
and then give them good old time religion with a bunch of rules
speaking in tongues and being washed in the blood of the lamb
it's still counter culture cuz we were far from mainstream
i grew up milking goats and wearing a bonnet for chissakes (literally, for christ's sake)
what happens then?
in my case...
beauty, trance, ecstasy, magikal way of looking at life
shattered when it all broke down
due to my fathers indiscretions
and so my mind grew to believe there was a perfect life before, and a broken one after
good and evil
fall from grace
i carry the sins of my father for 7 generations
blood of my blood
flesh of my flesh
seed of my seed
father, i circle the world trying to understand you.
why did you do it?
what were you thinking?
and now you hide away, you won't even tell your own daughter where you live
because you are afraid they will come after you
you protect yourself before me
if you have remorse, you keep it to yourself
and send me mysterious emails about being proud of the life i have made for myself and being proud of me and so on
and i say fuck you
and i love you
and i ache and burn and twist for you
and the whole world of mere angelic demonic mortals like us
you will not witness me father, but i will be witnessed
by the whole world
i am whirling
i am whirling
for the thousand fold suns that will light up our faces when we meet again on the spirit plane