Piercing the mysterious heart of forgiveness

thursday, july 29
topanga, ca

this weekend i go up to mendocino to the commune where i grew up, where my dad was a spiritual elder and sexually abused many girls
i am going to stand there now as a tantrik aghori might stand in a graveyard
to make friends with my own dark night
and to transform the memories of a scared little girl into the body of a strong powerful woman
who can hold the little girl
who does not need to carry the same fears anymore
to pray with my sisters for the sins of my father
to pierce the mysterious heart of forgiveness
to find redemption in human connection
to follow the honey-thick grace that comes when called by deep humility and surrender
it looks to be quite a trip
we are filming it for the documentary

been doing lots of crying, feels cleansing
sometimes there is a great deal of suffering to see and feel
but there is some secret there, that suffering itself is not what it seems

am i a teacher?
am i a boddhisattva?
am i just a woman on a trip?
i guess so

i've heard it said that the only way out is through
the path of fire, fire burns everything
and then from the ashes the glorious half-bird, half-dragon rises again
transforms into a dove
and then becomes a snake who eats its own tail
everything becomes nothing and is just god's story tale

but what about my softest insides?
who will take care of them while the warrior walks the path of courage?
i will bathe her in cool scented waters
sweet as gardenias lily white skins
shhh my child i will whisper
my voice as soft as the evening breeze
that in the time of the dusk and the gloaming
moves through the trees and makes them weep their leaves,
giving their foliage to the brushing of the wind so easily
do not surrender your loneliness so quickly i will say
let it cut you more deeply

let the longing pierce the mysterious heart of forgiveness
for myself
for my father
for everyone on the planet like us
i have come to pray at the church of the human experience
i worship the altar of my own body
i try to put down my minds dogged search for fairness
and just
let it be

before i left the rez i asked the matriarch to pray with me
we sat in her kitchen
with holes in the floor
i held her two hands in my two hands
hers wrinkled and brown
mine will be too someday
and i asked her to pray for the journey i was about to make
she said yes and she said we should also pray for my father because he is just a man
yes, i said crying. and who knows what he may have suffered?
i wept all the way to the airport and missed my flight home
unraveling is not the best way to travel