missing you

the first time i left india i asked my guru if he would miss me. i was standing in his doorway as he was getting ready for bed. i knew he was tired and i didn't want to bother him, but i couldn't help myself. i felt like a little kid, holding onto the doorframe, poking my head into his room, smiling sheepishly.

"gurujij, will you miss me?"
he turned slowly, it required effort for him to move his body when he was tired. or maybe my question was exausting him. he sighed.
"what do you want me to say? i miss the whole world"
a perfect answer because it nailed me to the spot.
i had come all this way to learn to love unconditionally, but i still wanted to be special. to be his favorite. i wanted him to say, "i will miss you. you are the best."

my love is often covetous. it wants to be the best.

all my talking about learning to love without attachment, to love in a way that makes myself and others free, and still i covet. the dark feminine energy wants to wrap herself around and squeeze.

"don't bind others with your love. bind with freedom". guruji told me that this trip. and my heart is bound to his because of the freedom he has made me feel.