adventures of a fearless (mostly) globe trotting seeker...
wondering, wandering, barefoot, nomadess

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The meaning of my dream

i dreamed a strong dream a week ago
my son was being bitten by a black snake wrapped around his body
and then it bit me too
and i screamed, "i am going to die"
but my son was not afraid
and in the dream we both laid down and the snake bit us many times
while we were laughing

what is the meaning of this dream?
i remembered it when i woke up, and it disturbed me
i wrote it in my blog

two days later, i boarded a plane
and i began to feel uneasy
i began to feel a pain for my son
i remembered the dream, the snake, the biting
dear god, is my son alright?
i had not heard back from him for a few days
i began to worry

our last conversation he told me
"your son's not doing so good"
"my grandpa is dying"

i began to worry he might be in danger, my son
he might have gotten into some kind of the endless ways a teenager can get
into trouble
can get hurt
can hurt themselves
i shuddered
so little i can do
i am often far away
and at the brink of 18
he is often pushing me away

my mind raced with fears
someone had said to me that morning, "does it always have to be so intense?"
i wished it wasn't
i wished i felt calm and peaceful
but i was in hell on that plane ride

full of fear
needing to have confirmation my son was ok

and when the plane landed i called his number and the message said
"we're sorry, this number is not accepting calls at this time"
what could that mean?
was he blocking my calls?
i texted his father to say i was worried

i got off the plane and collected my backpack with the worn out jesus patch
i dropped to my ass on the cool, marble floor in the airport and slumped against the wall
surrounded by my ragtag bags
most of what own these days as i travel more and more
i began to weep
i did not care who saw me in the baggage claim
broke down

i heard the alarm my phone makes when i get a message
a text from my son's father:
"my father passed away, driving there now.
gabe was the one holding his hand when he took his last breath"

i felt the cooling rush of relief
not because the death of the grandfather
but because that feeling of death and physical danger i had been feeling around my son was true,
but he was safe.

these dreams, these dreams
these waking dreams of life

these webs of thoughts and dreams
when we love someone, we are haunted by them
we are inside of them
as they are inside of us

what happens when the patriarch of a family dies?
2 sons, 2 daughters, 1 wife, 1 grandson
the one who has stood for what it means to be a man

when death comes in the fall,
like a scythe
gathering the harvest
of the indian summer

he said, a man is tough
and he would choose to sleep on the floor
to prove he didn't need much
or maybe because he had nothing to prove

who will fill the shoes
of what it means to be a man?

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