A promise

wednesday, june 9

north shore kauai, hawaii

driving down the lush green jungle in hawaii, i realize how much of my life i have spent hunting myself. how much of my life has been a struggle. born to ecstatic spiritual practices in a log cabin and then the hypocrisy of sexual and physical abuse in that community, in my family. the light and shadow have been so dramatic my whole life.

here, the air is balmy and warm, and i feel my heart wide, i feel the sensuality of my body, my warm, tan skin. i feel content and beautiful. i have been living in the used ford explorer i rented from "island cars". i love how laid back hawaii is. i just put the seats down in the back to make my bed and park on the beaches at night. i can see the ceiling of dark night sky and stars as my roof. i wake up to roosters crowing. i go naked in the salty ocean for my morning bath/ baptism. on the isolated beach, it feels like it could be the first morning of the world. and i am here to witness it.

there is a mountain here on the north shore who speaks to me. she looks like a cupped hand in the earth, sheltering me. she says, "i will protect you". there is water snaking down the middle of the mountain, it looks outrageously feminine, like a clit. some one told me that at the top of this mountain is a crater, and that crater is the wettest spot on earth. of course. the most feminine spot on earth. i stay mostly in sight of this mountain, of her protection. i have come to heal. i am weary from the years of being a warrior.

i have just finished reading a magazine article with an interview of me. it is called "the creation and growth of a true tantrika". in it i spoke openly about things i have kept secret for so long. i would not have said these things openly for print in the past because i feared for my father and didn't want my son to know these ugly things. but these ways of loyalty, protection, censure, i think they are making the world sick. so i speak to clear, to heal, to release fear. to create the kind of world i want to live in. if i share, will that allow others to share and heal? i hope so.

the lakota medicine man i go see on the pine ridge reservation said to me, "you walk a strong path". here in hawaii, i see the road softening around me in rich, verdant greens. it is time to let life be easier. i feel the beginning of a new cycle.

the land makes me a promise. she says, if you do your work, i will nurture and restore you.

i accept the promise