adventures of a fearless (mostly) globe trotting seeker...
wondering, wandering, barefoot, nomadess

Sunday, October 7, 2012

"It's never too late"

Joshua Tree
Sunday, Oct 7

“It’s never too late”. My friend Alfred’s mother is dying of cancer, she is lying in a hospital bed after a seizure unable to walk anymore. He has been told that she will not leave the hospital again, he is praying for a miracle. Her long time boyfriend told him that he regretted never marrying her. Alfred told him, “It’s never too late”. His mother is not able to speak after the seizure, but she can nod her head yes and no. Her boyfriend proposed and she nodded yes. They held a small ceremony around her hospital bed. Four days later she passed away. Why do we wait until death comes to make peace?

I have not seen my own mother in 15 years. A history of mental illness and abuse. Stories I am tired of telling. I recently got a massage to relieve some of the chronic pain in my right shoulder. As the knot melted, a memory surfaced. I was 14 and my mother was kicking me while I was curled up in fetal position to protect myself. I remember looking up at her, angry that she was still beating me like a child as I grew into a woman. I looked at her with hate in my eyes, all the suppressed rage that I could not express in talking or fighting back. I had no power. So I found a way to have power- I promised myself that no matter how bad she beat me, I would not let her see me cry. Hot tears that stung my face betrayed my weakness, my vulnerability. She could beat my body, but she could not control my mind. I began to twist the scenario. She was the weak one for losing her temper. I was strong because I could control my emotions, and I made my face like a mask. I would not let her inside. That memory was so visceral and as the knot massaged out, I wept and wept all those tears that had been trapped inside for so long. I am tired of this anger inside me. Is this where I learned to control my emotions and keep people out of my vulnerability?

Over the years when the trauma and abandonment come up, I take myself to the shower to cry alone. I curl up like a ball on the floor and let the water fall on me like a powerful rain, something to wash me clean of all this pain inside. I let the water fill my gaping wound. Will I ever be complete?

I found a contact for my mother online last week. I left a message and she emailed me back. Now I am left to wonder what will happen when I call her back? Will she be verbally abusive again? She had her own pain that was so unbearable that it came out in rages of beating her kids. She had her own struggles and had been abused as a girl. How many generations do these patterns carry on?

I look in the mirror at the lines on my face. The wrinkles show my journey. What does my mothers face look like after 15 years? I think of Alfred’s mother, I think about making peace before death. My mom used to say, “You’ll be sorry when I’m dead”, when I talked back to her. I got tired of the death threat as a manipulation to get me to behave, to quiet down. I guess I am lucky that she is still here for me to try and make peace. I say prayers that it will be different this time.

What do I want? I want to lay my head in my mothers lap and have her stroke my hair. I want to receive all the mother love I have been missing. I want to be held. I want forgiveness and peace.


  1. Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU Beautiful Goddess for allowing us this glimpse into your raw self-inquiry. We are all on this journey with you. I am on this journey with you. I know that you are now whole and you have available to you resources that you were not aware you had those many years ago. I know that if you do have more interaction with your mother, no matter how you are received or what happens, you have it within yourself to create wholeness and peace around your relationship with her. You have already broken the cycle.

  2. Dear Psalm,

    This is one of the sincerest...and most corageous of shares. I am deeply touched by your ability to be so vulnerable and I know many lives have been tranformed in your openness to share your journey. You are an amazing teacher. Opening your heart is healing on both ends of relationship, for yourself and to all you come into contact with. I commend you for being so raw, real, and willing to do the work even when it's hard. Thank YOU Psalm, for standing for your own healing, supporting and facilitating the healing of others, and being willing to step into the fire by aiding in the awakening of the world. You have an amazing that will never die. Your spirit family spans far and wide...and we love you. Students...friends...neighbors on this path of life...with the many twists and turns. Your path of service to others is a gift and every step is guided by something much greater than suffering. Your playfuness, your authenticity, the way you dance in this wild sacred. Peircing through the your ability to know people deeply and to love compassionately. Always have made a difference. I will never forget Hawaii and all that I came home with. You have lived to support all in finding WITHIN...the peace that is available...if one is willing to take the leap into the fire. Your faith in our GREAT MOTHER is a service to all. THANK YOU. Your mom is blessed to have you open your arms to her...even in the smallest way. And you in turn get to be the one to be answered call to let fogiveness be the teacher. May the Great Mother hold you in her arms, may you feel her skin as the earth, her hair as the grass and the breeze as her sweet touch. May you know that you are safe, protected and always loved. Until we meet again...BIG LOVE from AZ.

    Love and Blessings,

    Kali Ray

  3. One of your best blogs ever. We all want this. My Mom passed when I was 9. I miss her still. Thank GODDESS for bringing me AMMA so I can still experience my Mother's Love so readily and easily.