an open letter to my father on fathers day

fathers day 2012
venice, ca

hey dad
i wish i could honor you but i'm still so angry at you
and that's just the truth
my heart doesn't understand and still beats with love for you
but it's got no where to go, no where to flow
you won't see me face to face
all your shame of the past has you hiding from me

i'm 37 dad...
it's been over ten years
i wonder, do you miss me?
i wouldn't know how to walk away from my son
he's 19, i started young
you know the math
so many girls who have been abused have babies young
i pray everyday to be a good mom to my son
i'm still working out the shit from my own past

all around the world i work with women who are angry from the abuse of men
where can the healing come from?
we are all One

i wish i could see you, i wish we could have a cup of coffee
i wish i was free to pour my heart out to you
so i do it here
in an email
i always hated hallmark cards and holidays that are supposed to hide all the problems we have
happy birthday, merry christmas
and now happy fathers day
i wish i could honour you dad, but i'm still so angry at you
but i'll send this wish
cuz it's all we have
happy fathers day

i miss you
i am waiting for you
don't let it die this way
let's make a new story between a father and a daughter
i am waiting for you

love from calcutta

dear crazy strong beautiful humans i love

i am in kolkata this morning

yesterday i walked the the crazy, suffocating back alleys where the sex workers live and work...children playing soccor in the streets next to piles of rotting food,

women sitting lined up against the bright painted walls, all staring at me with black eyes rimmed in kajol as they wait to be selected by customers to be paid for pleasure or some fascimile of pleasure...their eyes looked back at me like the eyes of time....dark, glassy, unpenetrable

what are we here for?
i mean BIG, what are we here for?

to create some joy in this world...because as i watched the children kick the soccor ball, i thought, how strong is the drive to be alive. how strong is the desire to find joy and happiness however fleeting in these streets, in our own hearts. and i say this whole crazy fucked up ball of wax is mothers song to us, a hymn of heartbreak and love and peace when it descends upon us like the grace of a dove.

so i love your art and the raising of your voices, why not? let's make beauty out of the chaos...

today i go on a tantric temple pilgrimage for the mothers blessings
getting ready to go to the kalighat temple
then to a baul (tantric sufis style music of bengal) group tonight
then to tapith, a tantric temple to tara where they worship openly in the cremation grounds
then teaching yoga to the sex workers
then circling back to kamakhya temple to seal the tantric yoni portal

it is most auspicious to go to these 3 temples on pilgrimage: kalighat, tapith and kamakhya, they make a triangle, yoni

full on tantra land here

love
psalm