TENDERNESS AND MERCY part 1
Downtown Los Angeles
Saturday July 6
"One has to grow hard but without ever losing tenderness", Esa looks
down at his gnarled hands, his arms covered in rough tattoos. He is an
older Mexican man in the rehabilitation house where i have come to teach
yoga today. "That is what Che Guavara said.
But I don't know how to trust anyone. I spent more years in jail than
out. That's what they call being institutionalized. I feel more
comfortable in prison than outside. I know how things work in there. But
now I am finding out that whole way of life is bullshit.
I want something different but I am older now. I got more years behind
me than ahead of me. You come here talking about unconditional love.
Well, I don't trust that. The only one who gave me unconditional love
was my mother, she loved me no matter what. Even
if I killed someone. So you see, I don't trust so good. The gang I was
in, they taught us to say things like, "We don't care if the sun don't
shine". Life is hard and you have to be harder. The way I lived was that
I might have to kill my best friend. Nothing
personal, but if the orders came down that's what I would have to do.
So I couldn't get close to anyone." I nod my head, I feel in my own gut
how I have a hard time trusting people too. When is it safe to be
vulnerable? I may not have had to kill anyone or
gone to prison, but I have deep places in my of wounding from childhood
abuse and abuse I did to myself when I was angry and rebellious at
everyone, including God. In many ways, my story is not so different than
these men. Don't we all just ache to be loved
and accepted? Don't we long for a safe place to put our guards down and
be vulnerable, the warrior wants to rest and to finally surrender on
the battlefield of life? I am here with two other women to teach the
class. It's a bit comical, the juxtapose between
the three of us attractive women and these big, tough men. We joked
walking into to the run down house that serves as the rehabilitation
center that we were like Charlie's Angels, a blond and two brunettes.
"I trust you more because you are women", Esa says. The other men nod
their heads in agreement. I look around the room, we are sitting on
plastic chairs in a circle. Many of these men have spent more of their
lives in jail than out- that is what Esa meant about
being "institutionalized". The odds are against these men that they
will find a way out of the prison system and cycle of drug abuse. I
raise my hand to speak, "When I started yoga, people told me I would
never fully revover from the drugs I had done. But
I didn't believe them. Because when I did yoga, when I moved my body
and breathed, I felt this connection to God, to my higher power,
whatever you want to call it- and I knew that was the most powerful
source in the world. I knew if I kept my dicipline and
kept moving towards that God energy, I would not only recover and be
healed, but be more powerful than before I ever did any drugs. And it
has been true for me". I look around the room and catch Esa's sharp eyes
watching me. I want to share the hope, power
and peace of mind yoga has given me with these men, show them there is a
way out of the boxes in our minds that we have been locked inside by
the conditioning of our families, societies- all the bullshit we were
taught to think we are not worthy of happiness.
I want to tell them, YOU ARE WORTHY - AND THERE IS A WAY. They have
value, they deserev to feel loved, like we all do.
"I need another fire"
"I came up trained to be hard. We got tattoos for killing people. Now I
go out on the street sometimes and I see an old gangster with tattoos
on his face and neck from killing people, but he is pushing a shopping
cart", he shook his head and everyone in the
room laughed. "I don't want to be like that. i got lots of free time
now. My psych tells me to go feed the ducks now with my free time. Feed
the ducks!" Everyone laughs again trying to imagine this tough as
leather aging gangster sitting on a park bench throwing
bread crumbs to the ducks. "I came from a place of a lot of excitement.
I came from a fire. I can't go feed ducks. I need another fire". After
class he came to me to ask about the breath work i had shown them. I
told him that i had come from fire too. Now
I help other people go through their fires and that is an exciting,
meaningful purpose for me. I told him, "Me too, I need a fire, but one
that burns for good. Maybe you will teach this to other people and that
will be your next fire". He nodded and had a
light in his eyes.
TURN IT AROUND
Turn
your shitty, sad, disempowering stories into fertilizer -for growth and
change. Life will give you unending challenges, that is why it is so
important to have a practice like yoga and meditation that
floods your system with the happiness drug -Seratonin- and keeps you
fit to face the challenges. Life is challenging, so stay positive, those
are not just empty word, it is about your choices to fall into
victimhood or rise to meet the road and integrate the
joys and sorrows into one BIG beautiful story of you.
THE BIGGEST PRISON IS YOUR OWN MIND- FREE YOUR MIND- OPEN YOUR HEART TO LOVE